Wednesday, October 05, 2005 11:36 PM
Just got to know that two of my cousins have became single and another of my cousin has just divorced and it's because her husband has an affair. there's always exceptions and i have to witness them. Saman and Gordon were married for almost a decade and after trying out test tube baby for a few times and God eventually granted their wish with a beautiful baby girl last year. They are the model couple for everyone. Beauty and the Handsome are just the perfect match but they failed to work out because one of them gave way. It's the most unlikely outcome but it just happened. Goes to show that nothing is absolute. Well her brother, my cousin, has also just turned attached to another girl. They have been dating for 10 yrs and tho the entire family doesnt reallie fancy his gf but still since they are sooo close, we respect his decision. They were almost preparing for marriage and we thought there's gonna be another happy occassion in the Lim family. But after several major hiccups, they eventually broke off too.. sigh... nothing is absolute again. His younger brother, again also, suffered similar fate. wonder what went wrong with the 3 of them. But that's not the point..
these news were meant to be a secret kept away from me cuz my dad do not wish me to have any fear towards marriage but my mum, as usual, being gossipy couldnt tahan the news and eventually blurted out. i had to comfort her and assure her that it's not gg to affect me much but... i was bluffing. Took me quite a long period to convince myself that marriage can be beautiful as long as you find 'The One' and both take the efforts to work things out. Till now i still bear mix feelings towards marriage cuz of all the uncertainties facing me. There's no guarantees to anything. Even insurance cant warrant that you may recover the same initial value of an item cuz of a clever discovery called depreciation. Same thing applies to a r/s. It can nvr stay the same and depreciates too. As a r/s drags too long ahead, there comes a stale pt. Once it reaches the plateau u have to use triple or even more the effort to work against gravity and all other obstacles to bring it back to normality.
Feel so disheartened by all the disappointing stories around me... or rather feel abit lost in the complex affairs of the heart. Fun life around me lately is taking control of me.. it has made me feel as though i am single and am ready to stay single for long.. yet im aware i cant stand loneliness and that should not be the reason y i shud hang on to something that is not satisfying me.
m i living in a world of my own?? i doubt so.. i cant live happily without anyone around me. frenz and family are important to me and i value them very much. They are the motivation for me to wake up everyday and embrace the cruelity of the world. They are also the ones who give me a purpose in life even though that means i may not be living for myself for most part of my life but for them. then again they must be worthy the value in the first place in order for me to treasure. yet come the issue of the measurement of worthiness. if he/she is some trash, should i ignore him/her and leave him/her alone? that will be too cruel and i dunno how to reject.
someone just kill me.. y m i reading so much into things? m i even making sense? i m entitled to feel being treated right and i am entitled to request for something that makes me happy (but of cuz with limits imposed la, cannot go too far with e requests) ... urgh... i sense a mentality change cuz i seldom demand and came so straight with thoughts.. but wad the heck.. i just need a channel of releasing.. im still not done with thoughts.. continue again another day.. too tired from training today..
sand out